Nataushia Miller is a daughter of the King, Author, Freedom Coach, Global Speaker, and the Founder of Character 4 Life Global, Inc., Advocating Freedom from Trauma. She has helped countless people break through internal barriers such as fear and shame due to unhealed trauma. Her life-coaching style offers a unique approach with Biblical Principles and Sociological Concepts for leaders who desire Healing from Trauma God’s Way.
The Marriage & Knot Knowing
The Bible says, “For this reason, a man will leave his father and mother and be joined to his wife, and the two will become one flesh; this is a great mystery!” It is true that no matter how much you prepare for holy matrimony, you will not come to unlock the fullness of understanding the dynamics thereof until you’re in it. With that said, welcome to my story as I share the pain of knot knowing what to do when you must do something.
When I married my husband, I did so for three reasons:
(1) I loved him; I still do. He is a lovable guy and a good friend.
(2) I believed the LORD gave me the green light to proceed. After praying and fasting, I sensed a release in my spirit from the LORD, “You can marry this man if you want to or continue to wait. The choice is yours.” It was a very significant moment for me since while in college when I thought I met the love of my life my freshmen year, the Spirit of the LORD never replied to my inquiries (that’s another story).
(3) My ultimate deal-breakers, infidelity or abusive, addictive, obsessive, or oppressive behavior, were never a concern. However, had I known then what I know now, perhaps I would have considered something else as a deal-breaker or would have courted longer before we jumped the broom.
We met in July 2008, were engaged in March 2009, and married in August 2009. Yes, we did not waste any time. Yet, what’s done is done and what’s here is now, and there is no going back to redo the past—the pain of knot knowing what to do when you must do something.
Before marriage, I never thought that I would have a sexless one. I heard multiple stories about how women lose their sexual appetite or withhold it when being petty. I would think to myself, “That would not be me. I enjoy the connection of intercourse too much to be petty with it or lose my desire for it.” So, when I found myself in a sexless marriage, I was amazed at the reason why—my husband. NO ONE EVER TOLD ME that men could be the cause too!
The Marriage & Deal Breakers
As time went on, my husband seemed to become more rigid. Not only were we abstaining from sex (no matter my initiations or advances), we weren’t spending quality time, there was little to no affection, and absolutely no connection! I just knew that as time continued, THIS WOULD BECOME A DEAL-BREAKER, but would it?
At first, I was devastated. I could not understand for the life of me why my husband no longer desired me (ten years and three children later). His words were as a foreign language, “Sometimes, I feel like you’re a sister, not my wife, because of the way we communicate and how we used to argue. I don’t think that we’re compatible; the way we manage the household is different. I’ve felt this way since the first year of our marriage but tried to overcome it by staying present.” WhatTheFoolish steam began to blaze from my eyes, ears, nose, mouth, and mind.
Then I became outraged. How dare you wait until ten years into our marriage to share this with me? After all that we have been through—unemployment for the first year of our marriage. Ten months of homelessness beginning at six months after our firstborn daughter while pregnant with baby number two. Car repossession. And five years of dedication to recovering our credit reports, finances, vehicles, and a preferred neighborhood for residency. There were plenty of chances to withdraw from our marriage; why would you do it now?
Next, I was the holy rolling sister. I prayed, fasted, sought the face of God. I interceded for my husband, believing that God will heal his wounded soul. I understood that his issues with our marriage ran deeper than when we first came to be. There were some deep-seated unhealed traumas present with him as was with me before the two of us became one. I extended grace, compassion, and mercy the best way I knew how as I continued evolving into a better version of myself. In the spirit, I was on point, but my soul was restless.
I was anxious. I was like, “Listen, if we are going to proceed with separation and divorce, here are the things we need to do. How long do you expect me to stay in a marriage like this?” I had a mental plan to get my life and move on until God came through with the Pandemic.
Then I became demanding. I was like, “hell-to-the-no, I invested too much in this marriage for you to be tripping. We are going to spend devotional time together. We will make time to engage in conversation as a couple with this series of Question Card for Christian Couples. We are going to go to therapy or else!” Knowing good darn well, I don’t possess the power to change his heart or mind—the pain of knot knowing what to do when you must do something.
The Marriage Resolution
Finally, I reached a resolve. After journaling and visualizing the marriage my heart desires to have, I realized that what I want I have yet to experience. I want us to cherish one another with our time, affection, intellect, spirituality, aspirations, fears, and most of all, vulnerabilities. I want us to have an intimate relationship full of love, passion, honor, and respect. Our relationship ought to be ever-evolving and growing because we challenge one another to become better. Not as it is—like two friends, living together as co-parents to three kids.
How did we get here? I’ve done all that I thought was the right thing to do. I fought for our marriage through the darkest times when others did not agree that I should weather the storms. I fought for our union with prayer and did the work to become a better me that would produce a better wife. Yet, and still, it brought us to this dry deserted place.
Where do we go from here? It takes two to tangle. We can’t continue cultivating an oneness relationship when one of us isn’t willing to participate. Perhaps my husband is correct when he says that we’re not compatible. In retrospect, I entered this marriage isolating components of love, connection, and intimacy.
I isolated love as a commitment, connection as responsibility, and intimacy as sex to guard and protect myself. I was oblivious to the reality that my husband's temperance only met my compartmentalized aspects of love, intimacy, and connection. And as I continue healing from my toddler childhood, adolescence, young adult, and post-marriage traumas, the more I awaken to the truth of who I am and what I need.
My appetite as a woman and a wife has changed, and perhaps my husband has too. I WANT WHAT GOD INTENDS—the ever-evolving harmonizing experience of intimacy and love. I WANT IT ALL OR NOTHING—the pain of knot knowing what to do when you must do something.
Ladies!! Ladies!! I’ve learnt a lot from Coach Nataushia about marriage, deal breakers, pain, trauma, healing, as well as, living life as an overcomer. I do trust that you too learnt from her and you are encouraged to pursue a life of wholeness. Listen, your journey to walking in wholeness begins when you recognize your life’s problems, and make a conscious decision to address those problems. Sis, your healing begins when you start owning your story!! Ladies, if you or someone you know are experiencing trauma and needs to walk in wholeness, please feel free to connect with Author & Freedom Coach Nataushia Miller, via her website www.c4lglobal.com
I love you Sis,
May you flourish in your God given Assignment
Stay Blessed!!
Go ahead and “Girl Just Shine”.
Комментарии